TikTok’s ‘bird theory’: Can it measure the strength of the romantic bond?
When it comes to crafting a lasting love story, certain elements are necessary in order to complete the ingredients of a perfect mix. According to research and behaviors observed among young adults, it is the sharing of music—daily, spontaneous, sometimes intimate—that makes all the difference in the strength of the romantic bond.
But before we sing our hearts out, let’s dig deep into the so-called “bird theory.” In the 1990s, psychologist John Gottman observed that strong relationships are built not on grand gestures but on how partners respond to small, everyday moments—what he called “bids for connection.” A “bid” could be as simple as saying, “Look at that bird!” or “That meme reminds me of you.”
It’s not about the bird—it’s about saying, “Hey, I want to share this moment with you or connect with me.” And how your partner responds to that little moment says a lot. If they look up and smile, that’s called turning toward—meeting your bid with warmth and attention. If they stay silent or brush it off, that’s turning away. And if they snap back with something like, “Can you not be annoying?” that’s turning against.
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However, before you start drafting your breakup text because your partner didn’t gush over your bird sighting, take a deep breath. Dr. Vanessa, a therapist, says not to overreact to a single missed cue. “We can’t always be on and locked in and focused out of nowhere,” she explains. “What matters is the overall pattern—do they usually try to meet you where you’re at? Do they make you feel seen and heard?”
The bird theory has evolved—or devolved—into viral content. First used in 2023 by a TikTok user named Alyssa, it’s back, with Google Trends reporting a spike in search traffic for the term in October 2025. On TikTok, couples now record themselves mid–bird-test and post the footage for millions to analyze. The comments section becomes a relationship lab, with viewers cheering on the tender responses and condemning the detached ones.
Sharing relationship “tests” online may generate likes, but it can also blur the boundaries between authenticity and validation. After all, the real lesson of the bird theory is about connection, not spectacle. Because once your love is up for public review, even the most genuine gestures can start to feel rehearsed.
Now, let’s go back to the music. Sending a song to your partner, sharing a playlist of memories, or revealing your current favorites… These simple gestures create emotional bridges. By telling their story through music, each person opens up in a different way, revealing their story, and sometimes their flaws. This sharing nourishes dialogue and tenderness over time.
Reference: What TikTok’s ‘bird theory’ teaches us about love
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